Hair was a problem for me from the beginning.
There were no Black hair products in our house. My mom took me to a white stylist at Sally’s Beauty Salon because that was what she knew, and the women there were genuinely kind. They just didn’t know what to do with my hair. The combing hurt in a way I learned to sit through without saying anything, because what was I supposed to say.
At some point I asked to have my hair straightened so I could look more like the kids I went to school with. I was trying to close the distance between me and everyone else by any means I had. Those pictures from that time are hard to look at now. The confusion on that boy’s face is something I can see clearly only because I know what was underneath it.
Nobody told my parents that finding a Black barber or stylist wasn’t just about haircuts. They didn’t know what they didn’t know, and there was nobody there to tell them.
So here is the one thing I want you to do this week. Find your Black child a Black barber or a Black hair stylist, and make it a regular appointment.
If you haven’t downloaded the free guide yet, it’s called “The First 5 Signs Your Black Child Is Carrying Something They Haven’t Told You.” You can get it at https://beyondthemomentadoptionstudio.com/#community.
The barbershop or the salon isn’t just a place for grooming. For a Black child growing up in a white household, it might be one of the only spaces in their regular week where they see adults who look like them, hear a certain kind of laughter, and move through a room without anyone staring. Your child feels that experience even if they can’t name it yet.
I grew up without it. The shop I went to wasn’t built for me, and the stylists doing their best still didn’t know my hair. I sat through those appointments waiting for them to end.
If you want more than this one thing, I put together a $17 guide that goes much deeper into what your child actually needs. You can get it at payhip.com/b/hD5Qj.
If you're looking for more concrete tools beyond the one thing in this article, two resources from Beyond the Moment take that same practical approach further.
The Race Talk Toolkit ($37) gives you specific language for the conversations about race and identity that your child needs to have with you, organized by the situations that tend to come up in real family life. Get it at payhip.com/b/qa4PZ
The Complete Toolkit at payhip.com/b/sXgfZ bundles everything from Beyond the Moment together, including the Race Talk Toolkit.
Your child’s relationship with their own hair is already wrapped up in how they see themselves. A Black barber or stylist who knows their hair, calls them by name, and sees them month after month gives them something consistent to hold onto. That’s not something you can replicate at home with better products.
You don’t need a script for this, and there’s nothing to explain when you walk into the shop. Find the right place, show up, and keep showing up. Let the relationship build on its own.
If you’re not sure where to start, search for Black-owned barbershops or natural hair salons in your area. In most cities you’ll find them. When you walk in with your child, there’s no need to explain yourself. You’re a parent who showed up, and that’s exactly the right thing to be.
A Black barber who knows your son’s head, or a stylist who knows your daughter’s hair, is a steady anchor in your child’s life. Finding that person early and staying consistent is one of the most practical things you can do.
For more practical guidance on raising a Black child in a white family, get the free guide at https://beyondthemomentadoptionstudio.com/#community.